Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
