Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important