Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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