so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
