Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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