I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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