I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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