the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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