I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
