apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
