i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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