I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
