So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
