She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
