Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
