I puked a lego.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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