I don't usually arrange sex via text message
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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