i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
