My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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