could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
