Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
