Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
