i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
