Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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