All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
