They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
