at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
