Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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