Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So much rum. So many feels.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
