my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
