Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
