If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
