You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
