I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
