we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
