awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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