masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
