On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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