I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
