theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
