i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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