so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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