god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
love makes seman taste better
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
