seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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