I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
