"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
