Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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