I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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