Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
