Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
