at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Damn victory sex feels great
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
