Just cropdusted the office
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
