i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How naked do you want me to be?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
