The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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