your parents love me but you hate me
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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