Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this just has baby written all over it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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