Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
