Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You pole danced in your parka.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
