don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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